tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
