my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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