Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
