You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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