I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
