he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
