also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My life is pants optional.
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