considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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