on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
