I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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