brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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