Jerry, you need to find god
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
