the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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