I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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