Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
