One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
