woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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