You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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