guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Randomize
