i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
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Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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