if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
