i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
