even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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