masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
