You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
