yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
