Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
