never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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