I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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