I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
