i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
