I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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