The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize