Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
