I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
