Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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