She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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