i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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