I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
