dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
