I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
