Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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