She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
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I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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