three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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