I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize