Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
