Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
