Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
