They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize