By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
