so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
