does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
