I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
