just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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