Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
