If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
