I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i already hear my dad disowning me
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
zippers are such a cool invention
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
