I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
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There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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